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hi
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*sigh*
Not in the mood to do anything. I feel fucked up. Lonely, not seeing myself able to do what I gotta do in next three weeks. But, oh well, who cares? No body does.
Don’t think I’m going to the dinner with the classmates, nor am I going to record the video for the graduation. I KNOW I’M FUCKING DOING WHAT I SHOULDN’T but I just don’t feel like going. That’s the thing. I’m not even in the mood to talk to my friends, I don’t even know what’s going on with them. Actually, they may be reading this now, lol. So yeah.
Only thing I wanna do is take the fucking official exams now, pass them and then go away. GO AWAY.
Three minutes ago, someone made me smile and I felt like “Ok Kat, forget about that bullshit and keep on doing your things, preparing exams being in a good mood” but that feeling disappears. Blows away. Just by remembering exams are around the corener.. tears just start running down my cheeks.
Anyway. Whatever. I’ll regret, I know.
Joe: Just wait a second, I love him. I’ve just been ???? Scott. [x]
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I’m used to start in the same way. Like always. And okay, before I go on, two things I wanna say. First one, sorry if I make any mistake about grammar. Second one, don’t give a fuck about who’s reading or is gonna red this. Lol, yes you can think I’m being quite illogical, I mean like I don’t care about what people may say about this. BUT OKAY, WHATEVER, NEVER MIND. POINT IS THAT ..
Just feeling down. I’m sure everyone does feel like this anytime, and well it’s my time now.
It happens that I want to face it. I need to recognise I’m doing my best but I just feel like if I’m not gonna get it, not gonna make my dreams come true. It’s that feeling that doesn’t make me smile. Don’t want to sound emo or something but it’s just like that. “You born and die alone” someone has just told me that. Well, what can I say? It may be true. What about friendships , does it really exist? It’s like I have got to that point where you wonder .. what the hell am I doing and why is not someone here next to me saying me I gotta be strong and stuff, so you gotta be like your own hero. But what about if you are not that brave to keep on saying “come on, you can” and the thing is that if you don’t believe in you, no one is gonna do it. Where is all that strength you need hidden?.
Okay, now let’s pretend you can overcome that loneliness and everything and life goes on. Anyway, I’ll have a little hole in my heart that’s not gonna let me be happy. And wellllll it’s just a mixture of feelings.
I’m such a twat for believing that a distance relationship was gonna work, hahaha. For being that extremely innocent. For believing I was right and so proud of me.. proud of what? of spending my life on the internet pretending that was gonna work? proud of what of what? what am I.. to be proud of me?
Anyway, this is getting a cul-de-sac. So I need to come back to the beginning and just feel like that again(?). Lol. This makes no sense.
No one can understand how much I miss my best friend. We’re so fucking far away from each other. And. I haven’t. Found. Anyone. Here. Who. who who makes me smile just by speaking to me or laughing. NO ONE. And it’s gonna be 5 years, you know how depressing it is? Jesus Christ.
I just wanna leave. And get away, yes, like losers do. Get away because I can’t face this anymore. TEEEEEHE. Claps. I just wanna go and eat up the world.
I’m not even sure about if I’m gonna get to study what I want. And this envolves another big point about my life. So. Don’t feel like typing anymore.
Let’s see what’s next.
Ps. would be the happiest girl now if I could cry like if it wasn’t tomorrow. Lol.
love, me.
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